Why Buying Jeans is so Difficult

I need a new pair of jeans. I have been watching Stacy and Clinton religiously (well, maybe that is a bit strong. Maybe "regularly" is better) to find out where the "waist" of our jeans is this season. It seems that rarely is the "waist" at one's waist. I'm pretty sure that the "waist" is never above one's waist, unless one lives in a modular home subdivision, which includes a hospital and a restaurant with Early Bird Specials, located in Florida or Arizona. But how far is the "waist" below the waist right now?

The problem is, I can't read Roman Numerals. I can watch an entire episode of Stacy and Clinton and copy down all "The Rules" and then sit all the way through the credits to find out if it is a "current" show or if it is recycled from 2003; and then the copyright date comes up and I can't see it because I don't have my glasses and I can't find them and finally realize that they are on my head. And I pull them down over my eyes and the screen will say, Copyright MMQRP or something to that effect. It will take me a minute to realize that those letters are supposed to be a date and I will wonder for the millionth time why regular people are taught to write our birthdate as November 12, 1955 and at the same time people who make credits for TV shows and movies persist in archiving them with letters. Didn't these people go to the same schools we did? Do they think that replacing numbers with letters is just more "artistic?" Like those teenagers who write in RaNsOm TyPe (I stole that phrase from a very clever Etsy artist, WinonaCookie and she deserves credit here for it) because it is "cute?" Doesn't that make it doubly hard for Historians, who have to take college classes in number-numbers AND letter-numbers just to pass their Historian exams? And don't even get me started on Europe. Those people don't know that the day of the month comes before the name of the month. Just think if you were European and wanted to be an Historian. You'd be so confused that someone could write the date in binary notation as a joke, and you'd worry that you missed a lecture in Historian class. That's probably why you don't hear about too many Historians from Europe.

I only bring this up because the "waist" of jeans has been so many places in such a short time. And heaven forbid if the "waist" is one inch below the belly-button when it's supposed to be two. Stacey and Clinton will call you out. (Of course, if your birthdate is remotely close to the [hypothetical] one above, no one REALLY should have any idea how far your bellybutton is from the "waist" of your jeans except a very select inner circle, and possibly the cat.) So it is extremely important to be able to read Roman Numerals so you can discern whether you are getting fresh fashion advice, or something that's been sitting in the hamper for a while.

It is also important to take ibuprofen before shopping for jeans. This, of course, is standard for everyone before trying on piles of unyielding denim with metal zippers that sometimes require lying on a floor covered with straight pins in a cramped dressing room, to zip them up. Knowing the whole time that once you buy them in a size that causes breathing to be painful they will let down their guard as soon as you get them home and will immediately be 2 sizes too large. (The corollary is also true. If you buy jeans that fit perfectly in the store they will suffer a fit of pique at being washed and shrink to fit your twelve-year-old daughter who wouldn't be caught dead in anything that rose so close to the belly button.) It is even MORE important to take ibuprofen if you are tall. Because the (two) pairs of "long" jeans in any given store - presumably stocked for those of us approaching or exceeding 6 feet in height - will be on the lowest possible shelf, requiring you to bend your knees to retrieve them; and even worse, straighten your knees to stand up again. (Again, I'm not saying anything bad about that [hypothetical] birthdate above; but "bend-and-stretch" might not be a favorite exercise of individuals in that particular ballpark.) And, really, who came up with the idea to keep those (two) pairs of jeans on the bottom shelf? The "short" jeans aren't on the top shelf, because then the staff would have to keep retrieving them for customers. Everyone knows there is no shame in asking for help to get something you're not tall enough to reach. But very few people will ask the staff to bend down to get something off the floor. So I conclude that it is a vast conspiracy to humiliate tall women "of a certain age" who can't bend easily. There are probably dozens of YouTube videos on this very topic, and they all have very high star ratings. Probably as high as those pole-dancing subway ladies, or that dog who dances to the song from "Grease" or the OKGo guys on the treadmill.

Now that I've given it some thought, maybe I don't need new jeans. I can just wear skirts. After all, they hang at eye level. No ibuprofen required. And I don't need to know Roman Numerals to buy the right ones.