Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Not go to Your Doctor Complaining of "Dizziness"

1. Your general practitioner will say you need to get off your blood pressure medicine, and switch to this new one. It will not work. He will refer you to a "specialist" who

2. Will suggest that you get off the new blood pressure medicine and take the one you just discontinued. And in addition, you should get off your current cholesterol medicine and switch to this new one. It will not work. The "specialist" will tell you that "dizziness is very hard to cure."

3. A friend will "refer" you to another "specialist," because her aunt went to him with the exact same problem and was fixed in two weeks; he will - miraculously - have an appointment available that very afternoon. This "specialist" will tell you that you have "rocks" between your ears that occasionally slip out of place, causing the dizziness, and he will refer you to "physical therapy" to re-seat the rocks in your head. You will go to Rock Rearranging Therapy for 6 weeks, where you hang upside down, get strapped to a "tilt board" and practice the meditative "rock-re-seating" "exercises" diligently at home; graduate, and still be dizzy.

4. Your daughter will insist that you go to a neurologist because one of her best friends is a neurologist who thinks that it could be a neurology issue. You will select a nearby neurologist, who it turns out, you don't really like and doesn't seem too interested in dizziness; also his office is a mess and his office manager is mean. But he is convenient.

5. Your daughter will nag because her friend, The Neurologist, says the nearby neurologist is not a Good Neurologist. You will go to a neurologist meeting the approval of your daughter, and her friend, The Neurologist.

6. The Good Neurologist will order a Cat Scan, Brain Scan, Liver Scan, MRI, EKG, EEG and a BLT. They will all be negative, except the BLT; which will be delicious.

7. The Good Neurologist will tell you that you might have a narrowing of the carotid artery, and that you should talk to your general practitioner about it.

8. You will talk to your GP, who will order carotid surgery. As pre-op, you will need another Cat Scan, Brain Scan, Liver Scan, MRI, EKG, EEG; and also a 1099. Possibly WD-40. Carotid surgery will be scheduled, you will arrive at 6 AM on the appointed day, wait 5 hours for an operating room, be anesthetized and your GP will attempt the procedure. But, the blockage will be too severe; you will be labeled "A Walking Timebomb," necessitating a "more invasive" procedure in a couple of weeks. You will be brought out of anesthesia, but have to stay in the hospital because you have had a "procedure" even though nothing is fixed; and you must pee, poop, eat, recite the ABC's and watch 4 old episodes of M*A*S*H before they can release you. Oh, and by the way, there was some swelling in your tonsil which might be throat cancer, so that has to be biopsied before your next surgery is scheduled.

9. You will worry for 2 weeks about the biopsy, which cannot be performed at the same time as the "more invasive" procedure because you have to be "on" aspirin for the more invasive procedure and "off" aspirin for the biopsy. You have the biopsy as the wife and nagging daughter waitandwaitandwait and it appears that the problem is an old and unrelated infection in the tonsil. YAY! "The More Invasive Procedure" is on! Just as soon as you take 72 antibiotics, a handful at a time; and get back "on" the aspirin. Finally, the day of "The More Invasive Procedure" is here! Wife and nagging daughter wait in the "family area." Doctor emerges to tell family, Great News! He doesn't need the procedure after all! There is no blockage! And we got fabulous pictures! Great.

10. You will still be dizzy.

Note: Although I am a Medical Diviner of some renown (via my matrilineal heritage - my mother has been the recipient of numerous Medical Diviner Emmys, Oscars, Nobels and Pulitzers; and was once crowned Medical Diviner American Idol [North American Continent]) I am not a doctor. This piece is for Entertainment Purposes Only. Please consult a physician or another Health Care Professional if you feel dizzy, even if you know it is because you just played "Ring Around the Rosy" with your 3 year-old niece, and you forgot to eat lunch because the Walters Report was due at 1 PM. You need Very Important Tests to rule out Scary Things; and Medical Diviners are not licensed in all states to run Very Important Tests. (We also do not diagnose Scary Things. We are more prone to say stuff like, "Your blood sugar is probably low. You should have some chocolate." or, "Sounds like the pollen is getting to you; you'd better skip the vacuuming today." Or "Could be stress. I think you need a margarita.")

Should you need Medical Divining, of course, please feel free to contact me; everyone else does. References provided upon request, and I will bill your insurance...Which never, never, ever pays for Medical Divining, BTW.

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