Tuesday, February 24, 2009

G.R.I.T.S. and Global Warming

I am most assuredly opposed to Global Warming. I think that glaciers should remain frozen. I think snow should continue to fall on people in puffy nylon suits who like to strap 2x6s on their feet and slide down big hills at Jackson Hole. I even think that you should be allowed to inhabit an Ice Palace in Quebec if you really want to pay a lot of money to sleep on animal skins in an igloo.

That being said, I am Fiercely Pro Local Warming.

You might be familiar with "G.R.I.T.S.". An acronym for, "Girls Raised In The South." Some of us are not of hardy stock. Hollywood has, historically, portrayed us as Sufferers of The Vapors; wilting and swooning in the heat. Setting Aint Bee off for Sweet Tea and smelling salts.

Unfortunate. Because the reality is that:

We can run the Peachtree Road Race on the Fourth of July, and vie for the ALTA (tennis) championships at high noon in August. We can wear linen to a garden wedding under a 100 degree sun without (the linen) wrinkling; and, of course, we wear sunscreen. We can even have a glass or two of Chardonnay at the wedding, without ill effect.

We can handle hot.

Winter? Well, not so much.

A White Christmas is not something we dream of, unless we are having a nightmare. Because we will inevitably find we are out of Classic Coke early Christmas morning, and the 24 hour convenience store will be closed due to the dusting of the White Stuff on the grass. So we'll continue to be out of Classic Coke when the grandkids arrive. Which, of course, they won't; because The Meteorologist Who Had a Major Facelift will have been on the air at The Station You Can Trust For Severe Weather Coverage for the last 48 hours; pointing to red, green, pink and white blotches and telling people to STAY OFF THE ROADS. (You will know he is VERY, VERY SERIOUS because he'll have a pair of scholarly glasses perched low on his nose, although he had that laser surgery and he doesn't need them.)

Also, we consider people who find cold weather "invigorating" to be, well, daft. Cuckoo. Nuts. We think they should stay in New Jersey, and keep their sub-sixty-degree temps there, too. (I was born in New Jersey, but had the good sense to leave as a toddler; in search of like-minded, warm-blooded company.) And, let me tell you, we resent the fool out of those Arctic Blasts. You people in New Jersey signed on for that nonsense. We did not.

Just this weekend I spent some time on the road; listening to a plethora (I love that word) of local talk shows. Including an "Ask the Lawyer" bit. No kidding, a landscaper called in to find out if he could sue the National Weather Service because they said it was going to rain and he sent his crew home and it didn't rain.

Silly, I know, but it got me thinking...perhaps we need a commission to study Weather Redistribution? I think we could solve the melting glaciers and keep the snow falling on the people in those puffy nylon outfits and the 2x6s strapped to their feet if we could just move the cold weather back up there where it belongs. Giant fans? Or some sort of Global Support Bra?

It's just going to waste here. Such a shame.


High Desert Diva said...

What IS the secret to wearing linen without it wrinkling? I look at linen and it creases.

Nancy said...

Duct tape. Simply apply overlapping rows of duct tape to the INSIDE of the garment, then press with a warm iron. You might look like you are wearing a linen-covered aluminum can, but you will not have to worry about wrinkles.

Disclaimer: Do not attempt this technique on facial wrinkles. Duct tape is not approved for off-label use; and could cause irritation, scarring, blindness and accidental suffocation.